A Recent Conversation on Nearing the End of Pregnancy
Me:(Always tearfully these days): Nathan, I need you to say that I'm beautiful even though I have elephant cankles...
Him: You are.
Me:...and that you love me very much even though my face is fat.
Him: But no, it's not very.
Me: (Pause. Less tearfully.) Close, but that's not exactly what I was hoping for.
Him: Sorry, I think you're beautiful, and I love you very much. I hope you don't have to do this much longer.
Me: Me too.
A Recent Conversation on Divorce
Me: Nathan? Nathan? Nathan! I need you to come here.
Him: What?
Me (tearfully): Promise me you will never divorce me.
Him: What? What show are you watching?
Me: It was a commercial on father's custody rights.
Him: You. Are. Ridiculous.
Me: I fully know this, but promise me anyway. I need you to say it. Say it!
Him: I promise, you weirdo.
Pregnancy hormones: Making the weird woman ever weirder.
A Recent Conversation on Child Rearing
Me: What's so funny?
Him: I'm listening to the radio. They're talking about a study on NPR that was done on raising kids. They say that taking care of kids ranks even with vacuuming in terms of enjoyment.
Me: Uh oh, I've never been a big fan of vacuuming.
A Recent Conversation on My Dreams
Me:(Always tearfully these days): Nathan, I need you to say that I'm beautiful even though I have elephant cankles...
Him: You are.
Me:...and that you love me very much even though my face is fat.
Him: But no, it's not very.
Me: (Pause. Less tearfully.) Close, but that's not exactly what I was hoping for.
Him: Sorry, I think you're beautiful, and I love you very much. I hope you don't have to do this much longer.
Me: Me too.
A Recent Conversation on Divorce
Me: Nathan? Nathan? Nathan! I need you to come here.
Him: What?
Me (tearfully): Promise me you will never divorce me.
Him: What? What show are you watching?
Me: It was a commercial on father's custody rights.
Him: You. Are. Ridiculous.
Me: I fully know this, but promise me anyway. I need you to say it. Say it!
Him: I promise, you weirdo.
Pregnancy hormones: Making the weird woman ever weirder.
A Recent Conversation on Child Rearing
Me: What's so funny?
Him: I'm listening to the radio. They're talking about a study on NPR that was done on raising kids. They say that taking care of kids ranks even with vacuuming in terms of enjoyment.
Me: Uh oh, I've never been a big fan of vacuuming.
A Recent Conversation on My Dreams
Me: (Upon opening my eyes yesterday morning) Oh no, last night I had a
vivid dream about doing cocaine. I didn't even know I knew what cocaine
looks like. There was a huge pile in front of me.
Him: It was in that awful show last night.
Me: What? Bones? No it wasn't.
Him: No that other one. I only watched two minutes of it, and I remember. The one where that guy proposed to the annoying girl.
Me: ?........Oh, Raising Hope. (As one of the characters leaves the bathroom where four of them were all gathered having a conversation, she says, "If anyone asks what we were doing in there, everyone just say blow.") My dream does have a connection to reality. Yay! I'm not crazy.
Him: Well, you're still crazy.
A Recent Conversation on his Resemblance to a Celebrity
Me: The ladies at work were telling me that in our wedding picture, you look like Jake Gyllenhaal. They said maybe I shouldn't tell you so you don't get a big head about it, but I told them you wouldn't know who he was anyway.
Him: I know who he is. He was in Spiderman. The short guy.
Me: Nope. Not even close.
A Recent Conversation on Tennis Lessons
Me, whining: They cancelled my tennis lessons an hour before it was supposed to start because they don't have enough people.
Him: That stinks. Will they give your money back?
Me: Yeah, but I'm ticked because I was really looking forward to this. I was even going to accomplish a New Year's Resolution for once.
Him: Well, maybe you can take some lessons from Nathan McArdle.
Me: Ooh, really? You think? I'm kind of intimidated by him. Also, I heard his class is hard to get into. Can you pull some strings?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Do you think I can get a discount if I put out?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Maybe? Maybe? I'm sure you meant to say definitely.
Him: Yes. I did.
A Recent Conversation on My Sharing Habit
Me: I think I know why I had such a bad headache. Actually, never mind, too much information.
Him: (Nodding vigorously.)
Me: What in the world are you thinking I was going to say?
Him: I don't know, but if you are saying it is too much information...
Me: I think I am really offended right now.
Him: (Eyebrow cocked, side look.)
Me: (Muttering.) Fine. It's true.
A Recent Conversation on His Family
Lying in bed on Sunday night, I rolled over to face him.
Me: I love your family. Know why?
Him: No.
Me: I love that they are game to do something as nerdy as reenacting Plants v. Zombies in full costume. In public. That was so much fun.
Him: That's not nerdy.
Me: No? What about the fact that we did it three times with considerable more detail each time? And that we referred to the game for accuracy?
A Recent Conversation on His Packing Habits
Him: Um, I don't think I'm going to be able to wear the grey suit to your sister's wedding.
Me: Why?
Him: Because the cat threw up on it.
Me: What!? How did that happen to your GOOD SUIT?
Him: It must have been when it was lying on the bed.
Me: Why was it on the bed though?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.) I could wear the black one instead?
Me: No, give it to me. I'll see if I can get it out.
Him: What shirt should I wear?
Me: How about your light blue one?
Him: But then it will be exactly what I wore to our wedding.
Me: Oh, good point. Okay, how about the white one?
Him: What's that?
Me: Argh! That's ring around the collar which happens when you don't clean your shirts every time you wear them. That's not gonna come out.
Him: Should I get rid of it?
Me: Yes, but now you don't have a shirt! Why are you only figuring this out the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.)
Me: Okay, how about this blue shirt?
Him: But then it's like what I wore for our wedding.
Me: This is darker blue. Plus you're wearing a tie. And you'll be wearing the jacket. That's actually a completely different outfit. Are we good? Do you have shoes?
Him: At work. With my belt.
Me: ! Fine. Don't forget them or we'll have to buy some from Walmart for you. Again.
A Recent Conversation on a Dirty Joke
Him: Why is someone writing on our bananas?
Me: Huh?
Him: It says someone's name.
Me: What? What does it say?
Him: It says "Hammock."
Me: Oh, babe. That's not a name.
Him: Well then what does it mean?
Me: What is it written on? What does it say? Put the two words together.
Him: Banana hammock?
Me: Really? You still don't get it?
Him: What the hell is that?
A Recent Conversation on My Performance of Wifely Duties
Me: Hi, I'm in the grocery store, and I'm confused.
Him: Okay. What?
Me: Explain some things on this grocery list...(blah, blah, non humorous grocery-related blah). Okay, I'll get those things for you. Also, are the mini-energy bars on this list because you'd had to resort to eating them for breakfast, and you're running out since I'm a bad wife, and haven't made you your biscotti yet?
Him: Um, yes to everything except the last part.
Me: Aww. (Pause.) Wait, you mean except for the bad wife part, right?
Him: (Laughs.) Yes, except for that.
A Recent Conversation on His Personality
Him: It was in that awful show last night.
Me: What? Bones? No it wasn't.
Him: No that other one. I only watched two minutes of it, and I remember. The one where that guy proposed to the annoying girl.
Me: ?........Oh, Raising Hope. (As one of the characters leaves the bathroom where four of them were all gathered having a conversation, she says, "If anyone asks what we were doing in there, everyone just say blow.") My dream does have a connection to reality. Yay! I'm not crazy.
Him: Well, you're still crazy.
A Recent Conversation on his Resemblance to a Celebrity
Me: The ladies at work were telling me that in our wedding picture, you look like Jake Gyllenhaal. They said maybe I shouldn't tell you so you don't get a big head about it, but I told them you wouldn't know who he was anyway.
Him: I know who he is. He was in Spiderman. The short guy.
Me: Nope. Not even close.
A Recent Conversation on Tennis Lessons
Me, whining: They cancelled my tennis lessons an hour before it was supposed to start because they don't have enough people.
Him: That stinks. Will they give your money back?
Me: Yeah, but I'm ticked because I was really looking forward to this. I was even going to accomplish a New Year's Resolution for once.
Him: Well, maybe you can take some lessons from Nathan McArdle.
Me: Ooh, really? You think? I'm kind of intimidated by him. Also, I heard his class is hard to get into. Can you pull some strings?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Do you think I can get a discount if I put out?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Maybe? Maybe? I'm sure you meant to say definitely.
Him: Yes. I did.
A Recent Conversation on My Sharing Habit
Me: I think I know why I had such a bad headache. Actually, never mind, too much information.
Him: (Nodding vigorously.)
Me: What in the world are you thinking I was going to say?
Him: I don't know, but if you are saying it is too much information...
Me: I think I am really offended right now.
Him: (Eyebrow cocked, side look.)
Me: (Muttering.) Fine. It's true.
A Recent Conversation on His Family
Lying in bed on Sunday night, I rolled over to face him.
Me: I love your family. Know why?
Him: No.
Me: I love that they are game to do something as nerdy as reenacting Plants v. Zombies in full costume. In public. That was so much fun.
Him: That's not nerdy.
Me: No? What about the fact that we did it three times with considerable more detail each time? And that we referred to the game for accuracy?
A Recent Conversation on His Packing Habits
Him: Um, I don't think I'm going to be able to wear the grey suit to your sister's wedding.
Me: Why?
Him: Because the cat threw up on it.
Me: What!? How did that happen to your GOOD SUIT?
Him: It must have been when it was lying on the bed.
Me: Why was it on the bed though?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.) I could wear the black one instead?
Me: No, give it to me. I'll see if I can get it out.
Him: What shirt should I wear?
Me: How about your light blue one?
Him: But then it will be exactly what I wore to our wedding.
Me: Oh, good point. Okay, how about the white one?
Him: What's that?
Me: Argh! That's ring around the collar which happens when you don't clean your shirts every time you wear them. That's not gonna come out.
Him: Should I get rid of it?
Me: Yes, but now you don't have a shirt! Why are you only figuring this out the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.)
Me: Okay, how about this blue shirt?
Him: But then it's like what I wore for our wedding.
Me: This is darker blue. Plus you're wearing a tie. And you'll be wearing the jacket. That's actually a completely different outfit. Are we good? Do you have shoes?
Him: At work. With my belt.
Me: ! Fine. Don't forget them or we'll have to buy some from Walmart for you. Again.
A Recent Conversation on a Dirty Joke
Me: Huh?
Him: It says someone's name.
Me: What? What does it say?
Him: It says "Hammock."
Me: Oh, babe. That's not a name.
Him: Well then what does it mean?
Me: What is it written on? What does it say? Put the two words together.
Him: Banana hammock?
Me: Really? You still don't get it?
Him: What the hell is that?
A Recent Conversation on My Performance of Wifely Duties
Me: Hi, I'm in the grocery store, and I'm confused.
Him: Okay. What?
Me: Explain some things on this grocery list...(blah, blah, non humorous grocery-related blah). Okay, I'll get those things for you. Also, are the mini-energy bars on this list because you'd had to resort to eating them for breakfast, and you're running out since I'm a bad wife, and haven't made you your biscotti yet?
Him: Um, yes to everything except the last part.
Me: Aww. (Pause.) Wait, you mean except for the bad wife part, right?
Him: (Laughs.) Yes, except for that.
A Recent Conversation on His Personality
Me: I have a theory.
Him: " " (Grunts, his spoon halfway to his mouth, hovering precariously above his crossword puzzle. He doesn’t look up.)
Me: I have a theory. I think that…you suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Him: " " (Continuing to eat as if he hasn’t heard me.)
In the off chance that I’m wrong, this could cause a huge fight. Kind of like the time I asked him if he was sure he wasn’t gay (early, very early, in our relationship-I had to make sure, you know?). If I’m right, well, I suppose there’s the possibility I could set off the serial killer tendencies caused by Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Me: I mean, you have a lot in common with Dexter, the serial killer from the show I’ve been watching.”
I look up out of the corner of my eye to see how he’s taking this. Hmm, pretending not to listen. I continue with my evidence.
Me: High IQ, exasperation with illogical people, no interest in conforming, lack of empathy…
Him: " " (Heading into the kitchen to rinse out his cereal bowl.)
Me: Well?
Him: What?
Me: Well, are you going to admit it?
Him: Admit what?
Me: That you’re a serial killer.
Him: I didn’t kill it, I just ate it.
Me: Not funny. You know what? I just found the fatal flaw in my theory. Supposedly serial killers have a great deal of charm.
Him: I am extremely charming.
Me: Ha! Not so’s I’d notice. So what do you think of my list? That’s an awful lot of characteristics that line up. Maybe you’re borderline antisocial.
Him: What list?
Me: What! Did you really not hear a word I just said? Antisocial Personality Disorder? Lack of empathy? Hello?
Him: If by lack of empathy you mean unwilling to give you attention every time you are being overdramatic—case in point, by the way—then yes, I must fit the profile that you developed based on a television show.
Me, calling down the hallway toward his retreating form: Well, it doesn’t make it any less accurate!
A Recent Conversation on Offspring
Me: So did you tell him we would love to have them over for dinner some night?
Him: Can't be dinner. Too late for them.
Me: Oh yeah, well lunch then. Or brunch sometime.
Him: Nope, it's going to have to be lunch. Brunch is nap time.
Me: Ugh, when people have babies they lose all interest in anything else.
Him: I think you have to, when the thing only sleeps occasionally....
Me: "The thing?" Oh we are so ready to have children right now.
A Recent Conversation on My Bridal Attire
Me: So what do you think of my veil? (Showing him my Russian birdcage veil.) Do you hate it?
Him: No....Is that the same stuff as the bag that onions come in?
A Recent Conversation on My Athletic Prowess
Rarely am I witness to the nice things that Nathan says about me to others (although he assures me that this happens often). However, the other night I thought it was my lucky day when he had had a bit too much to drink with his friends and the discussion centered on my sports acumen.
Him: Did you know Hanna was a champion jello wrestler her freshmen year of college? She's always been into the risky sports, unafraid to sacrifice her body. She was a goalie when she played soccer. The catcher in softball. She rock climbs. She's fearless.
Me: Oh wow, Nathan, that's the nicest thing you've ever said about my athletic abilities. Aww, I love you so much!
Him: Yep, she's definitely got plenty of courage. Skill, on the other hand...
A Recent Conversation on His Tardiness
Me: Hello already.
Him: I'm sorry I'm so late.
Me: Yes. You are. Going on 4 hours now.
Him: You should be mad at me.
Me:...? Well, gee, that's an unusual angle.
Him: Yeah, I thought about that my whole bike ride home.
Me: And that's what you came up with?
Him: Yup. But I think it was a success. You don't seem mad now.
Me: Well played, sir.
