Recent Conversation #5

Not all that recent, actually, but a real conversation nonetheless.

Me: I have a theory. 

Him: " " (Grunts, his spoon halfway to his mouth, hovering precariously above his crossword puzzle.  He doesn’t look up.) 

Me: I have a theory.  I think that…you suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Him: " " (Continuing to eat as if he hasn’t heard me.) 

In the off chance that I’m wrong, this could cause a huge fight.  Kind of like the time I asked him if he was sure he wasn’t gay (early, very early, in our relationship-I had to make sure, you know?).  If I’m right, well, I suppose there’s the possibility I could set off the serial killer tendencies caused by Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Me:  I mean, you have a lot in common with Dexter, the serial killer from the show I’ve been watching.”  

I look up out of the corner of my eye to see how he’s taking this.  Hmm, pretending not to listen.  I continue with my evidence.  

 Me: High IQ, exasperation with illogical people, no interest in conforming, lack of empathy…

Him: " " (Heading into the kitchen to rinse out his cereal bowl.)

Me: Well?

Him:  What?

Me: Well, are you going to admit it? 

Him: Admit what?

Me: That you’re a serial killer.

Him:  I didn’t kill it, I just ate it.

Me: Not funny.  You know what?  I just found the fatal flaw in my theory.  Supposedly serial killers have a great deal of charm.

Him: I am extremely charming.

Me: Ha!  Not so’s I’d notice.  So what do you think of my list?  That’s an awful lot of characteristics that line up.  Maybe you’re borderline antisocial.

Him:  What list?

Me:  What!  Did you really not hear a word I just said?  Antisocial Personality Disorder?  Lack of empathy?  Hello?

Him:  If by lack of empathy you mean unwilling to give you attention every time you are being overdramatic—case in point, by the way—then yes, I must fit the profile that you developed based on a television show.

Me, calling down the hallway toward his retreating form:  Well, it doesn’t make it any less accurate!