Conversation #18

Me:(Always tearfully these days): Nathan, I need you to say that I'm beautiful even though I have elephant cankles...
Him: You are.
Me:...and that you love me very much even though my face is fat.
Him: But no, it's not very.
Me: (Pause. Less tearfully.) Close, but that's not exactly what I was hoping for.
Him: Sorry, I think you're beautiful, and I love you very much. I hope you don't have to do this much longer.
Me: Me too.

Conversation #17

Me: Nathan? Nathan? Nathan! I need you to come here.
Him: What?
Me (tearfully): Promise me you will never divorce me.
Him: What? What show are you watching?
Me: It was a commercial on father's custody rights.
Him: You. Are. Ridiculous.
Me: I fully know this, but promise me anyway. I need you to say it. Say it!
Him: I promise, you weirdo.

Pregnancy hormones: Making the weird woman ever weirder.

Conversation #16

Me: What's so funny?

Him: I'm listening to the radio. They're talking about a study on NPR that was done on raising kids. They say that taking care of kids ranks even with vacuuming in terms of enjoyment.

Me: Uh oh, I've never been a big fan of vacuuming.

Conversation #15

Me: (sewing on the couch) Ow, ow, ow. I just stabbed myself in the baby with a pin.
Him: (reading the paper) Hmm. So what kind of mattress do we have for the crib? This article says some are dangerous.
Me: I don't know. Go look.

Him: Ours is a Colgate, so it doesn't have any tris.
Me: Is that good?
Him: Yes, it says they can cause cancer.
Me: Oh yikes. Aww, you're such a good daddy, making sure our baby is safe.
Him: And you're stabbing her with pins...

Conversation #14

Him: I think this is my favorite meal yet.
Me: What? No! It's terrible. It's just a bunch of strong-tasting foods in a big bowl.
Him: That's exactly why I like it. It does need some chow meins though.
Me: You eat like a little kid. That's what kids do.
Him: Think how easy it will be to feed two.
Me: What? Oh, two kids, meaning you and the baby. Yeah. Sigh.
Him: Do you think they make baby chow meins? How cool would that be in a restaurant? You pulling out a bag for me and then a bag of tiny chow meins for the baby?
Me: No. Just no.

Conversation #13

Me: (Upon opening my eyes yesterday morning) Oh no, last night I had a vivid dream about doing cocaine. I didn't even know I knew what cocaine looks like. There was a huge pile in front of me.
Him: It was in that awful show last night.
Me: What? Bones? No it wasn't.
Him: No that other one. I only watched two minutes of it, and I remember. The one where that guy proposed to the annoying girl.
Me: ?........Oh, Raising Hope. (As one of the characters leaves the bathroom where four of them were all gathered having a conversation, she says, "If anyone asks what we were doing in there, everyone just say blow.") My dream does have a connection to reality. Yay! I'm not crazy.
Him: Well, you're still crazy.

Conversation #12

I can see it.

Me: The ladies at work were telling me that in our wedding picture, you look like Jake Gyllenhaal. They said maybe I shouldn't tell you so you don't get a big head about it, but I told them you wouldn't know who he was anyway.
Him: I know who he is. He was in Spiderman. The short guy.
Me: Nope. Not even close.

Jake Gyllenhaal photo from Wikipedia/Our wedding photo by Shyla

Recent Converstation #11

Me, whining: They cancelled my tennis lessons an hour before it was supposed to start because they don't have enough people.
Him: That stinks. Will they give your money back?
Me: Yeah, but I'm ticked because I was really looking forward to this. I was even going to accomplish a New Year's Resolution for once.
Him: Well, maybe you can take some lessons from Nathan McArdle.
Me: Really? You think? I'm kind of intimidated by him. Also, I heard his class is hard to get into. Can you pull some strings?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Do you think I can get a discount if I put out?
Him: Maybe.
Me: Maybe? Maybe? I'm sure you meant to say definitely.
Him: Yes. I did.

Conversation #10

Me: I think I know why I had such a bad headache. Actually, never mind, too much information.
Him: (Nodding vigorously.)
Me: What in the world are you thinking I was going to say?
Him: I don't know, but if you are saying it is too much information...
Me: I think I am really offended right now.
Him: (Eyebrow cocked, side look.)
Me: (Muttering.) Fine. It's true.

A Good Fit

Tallnut, Grampa Zombie, Traffic Cone Zombie, Peashooter, and Sun from Plants v. Zombies

Recent Conversation #9

Lying in bed on Sunday night, I rolled over to face him.
Me: I love your family. Know why?
Him: No.
Me: I love that they are game to do something as nerdy as reenacting Plants v. Zombies in full costume. In public. That was so much fun.
Him: That's not nerdy.
Me: No? What about the fact that we did it three times with considerable more detail each time? And that we referred to the game for accuracy?

Recent Conversation #8

Him: Um, I don't think I'm going to be able to wear the grey suit to your sister's wedding.
Me: Why?
Him: Because the cat threw up on it.
Me: What!? How did that happen to your GOOD SUIT?
Him: It must have been when it was lying on the bed.
Me: Why was it on the bed though?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.) I could wear the black one instead?
Me: No, give it to me. I'll see if I can get it out.
Him: What shirt should I wear?
Me: How about your light blue one?
Him: But then it will be exactly what I wore to our wedding.
Me: Oh, good point. Okay, how about the white one?
Him: What's that?
Me: Argh! That's ring around the collar which happens when you don't clean your shirts every time you wear them. That's not gonna come out.
Him: Should I get rid of it?
Me: Yes, but now you don't have a shirt! Why are you only figuring this out the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE?
Him: (Suspicious lack of an answer.)
Me: Okay, how about this blue shirt?
Him: But then it's like what I wore for our wedding.
Me: This is darker blue. Plus you're wearing a tie. And you'll be wearing the jacket. That's actually a completely different outfit. Are we good? Do you have shoes?
Him: At work. With my belt.
Me: ! Fine. Don't forget them or we'll have to buy some from Walmart for you. Again.

Yet Another Joke I Had to Explain to My Husband

Recent Conversation #7

Him: Why is someone writing on our bananas?
Me: Huh?
Him: It says someone's name.
Me: What? What does it say?
Him: It says "Hammock."
Me: Oh, babe. That's not a name.
Him: Well then what does it mean?
Me: What is it written on? What does it say? Put the two words together.
Him: Banana hammock?
Me: Really? You still don't get it?
Him: What the hell is that?

Recent Conversation #6

Me: Hi, I'm in the grocery store, and I'm confused.
Him: Okay. What?
Me: Explain some things on this grocery list...(blah, blah, non humorous grocery-related blah). Okay, I'll get those things for you. Also, are the mini-energy bars on this list because you'd had to resort to eating them for breakfast, and you're running out since I'm a bad wife, and haven't made you your biscotti yet?
Him: Um, yes to everything except the last part.
Me: Aww...Wait, you mean the "bad wife" part, right?
Him: (Laughs.)

Recent Conversation #5

Not all that recent, actually, but a real conversation nonetheless.

Me: I have a theory. 

Him: " " (Grunts, his spoon halfway to his mouth, hovering precariously above his crossword puzzle.  He doesn’t look up.) 

Me: I have a theory.  I think that…you suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Him: " " (Continuing to eat as if he hasn’t heard me.) 

In the off chance that I’m wrong, this could cause a huge fight.  Kind of like the time I asked him if he was sure he wasn’t gay (early, very early, in our relationship-I had to make sure, you know?).  If I’m right, well, I suppose there’s the possibility I could set off the serial killer tendencies caused by Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Me:  I mean, you have a lot in common with Dexter, the serial killer from the show I’ve been watching.”  

I look up out of the corner of my eye to see how he’s taking this.  Hmm, pretending not to listen.  I continue with my evidence.  

 Me: High IQ, exasperation with illogical people, no interest in conforming, lack of empathy…

Him: " " (Heading into the kitchen to rinse out his cereal bowl.)

Me: Well?

Him:  What?

Me: Well, are you going to admit it? 

Him: Admit what?

Me: That you’re a serial killer.

Him:  I didn’t kill it, I just ate it.

Me: Not funny.  You know what?  I just found the fatal flaw in my theory.  Supposedly serial killers have a great deal of charm.

Him: I am extremely charming.

Me: Ha!  Not so’s I’d notice.  So what do you think of my list?  That’s an awful lot of characteristics that line up.  Maybe you’re borderline antisocial.

Him:  What list?

Me:  What!  Did you really not hear a word I just said?  Antisocial Personality Disorder?  Lack of empathy?  Hello?

Him:  If by lack of empathy you mean unwilling to give you attention every time you are being overdramatic—case in point, by the way—then yes, I must fit the profile that you developed based on a television show.

Me, calling down the hallway toward his retreating form:  Well, it doesn’t make it any less accurate!

Recent Conversation #4

Me:  So did you tell him we would love to have them over for dinner some night?
Him:  Can't be dinner.  Too late for them.
Me:  Oh yeah, well lunch then.  Or brunch sometime.
Him:  Nope, it's going to have to be lunch.  Brunch is nap time.
Me:  Ugh, when people have babies they lose all interest in anything else.
Him:  I think you have to, when the thing only sleeps occasionally....
Me:   "The thing?"  Oh we are so ready to have children right now.

A Recent Conversation #3

Me:  So what do you think of my veil?  (Showing him my Russian birdcage veil.)  Do you hate it?

Him: No....Is that the same stuff as the bag that onions come in?

A Recent Conversation #2

Rarely am I witness to the nice things that Nathan says about me to others (although he assures me that this happens often).  However, the other night I thought it was my lucky day when he had had a bit too much to drink with his friends and the discussion centered on my sports acumen.

Him: Did you know Hanna was a champion jello wrestler her freshmen year of college?  She's always been into the risky sports, unafraid to sacrifice her body.  She was a goalie when she played soccer.  The catcher in softball.  She rock climbs.  She's fearless. 

Me: Oh wow, Nathan, that's the nicest thing you've ever said about my athletic abilities.  Aww, I love you so much!

Him: Yep, she's definitely got plenty of courage.  Skill, on the other hand...

A Recent Conversation

Me: Hello already.
Him: I'm sorry I'm so late.
Me: Yes. You are.  Going on 4 hours now.
Him: You should be mad at me.
Me:...?  Well, gee, that's an unusual angle.
Him: Yeah, I thought about that my whole bike ride home.
Me: And that's what you came up with?
Him: Yup.  But I think it was a success.  You don't seem mad now.
Me: Well played, sir.