Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Why I Should Never Have a Reality Television Show

I very rarely win my fights with Nathan. No one needs to see that. Least of all me.

I say horrifying things that would make my audience hate me. For example, when I was in college studying abroad in Italy, I was flashed by a man in an alley in Florence one night. I was (justifiably) disturbed. However, I ACTUALLY COMPARED HIS UNWANTED SEXUAL EXHIBITION TO RAPE. Out loud. Yes, I was that girl. I shudder every time I remember those words being let out into the world. Can you imagine if they were actually on tape? And you know they would use that in promos.

I eat entirely too much for television. Not only do I actually eat sandwiches and whole plates of pasta, but I have *gasp* dessert. Sometimes at both lunch and dinner. Not usually at breakfast though.

According to Nathan, I criticize him. All. The. Time. So apparently, I'd look like one of those harpy wives bossing him around and always rolling my eyes and being sarcastic to him. I like imagining that I'm the victim here. I don't need video proof that it's the other way around.

I have been known to smack my cat. But guys, he totally deserved it. He was meowing, and meowing, and meowing, and meowing, and meowing. Still, that would not go over well with PETA, I'm sure.

My sassy gay friends are all 40+ and wouldn't dream of getting into screaming fights with me. They'd rather sit around in the backyard drinking wine and talking about NATO (or DWTS).

I wouldn't dream of paying someone to be my fashion stylist, wig stylist, cat stylist, makeup artist, nanny, cat walker, housekeeper, chauffeur, psychic, pet interpreter, groundskeeper, or husband wrangler (well, I'd consider paying someone to do that last one).

I am a terrible actress. When I was in fourth grade I managed to say my lone line in the class play as "Fish fly in the sky, birds swim in the sea." If someone told me I needed to reenact a conversation I'd had so they could get it on tape, it would be awkward and wooden and...wait, I guess that's not really a deal-breaker for those reality TV shows. Never mind.


  1. Good, way to clear this up because I bet a lot of reality TV producers have been eyeing you for a role.

    1. Just thought I'd save them all the disappointment!

  2. This is exactly why you need your own reality show!