When It Turns On You

It's surprising how much your physical health impacts your overall outlook on life. My body feels like it is rebelling against me, and it is breaking me down emotionally. And this is only hives! This lingering trail of puffy and extremely itchy bumps from my palms and wrists onto my forearms and backs of my hands that I've had on and off since Thanksgiving has, in the last week, become impossible to get rid of. It is, apparently, a very visible sign of my lack of health that seems to give strangers an invitation to give me advice on nutrition, pet ownership, cleaning, my bathroom routine, etc., not to mention the street diagnoses. "It must be scabies. Look at those gross bumps. Definitely scabies." (It's not.) Strangers have actually shrunk away from my touch.

This gives me a glimmer of understanding of the depth and nuances of emotion that accompany a life altering diagnosis. I am so frustrated with my body for failing me on this very small issue, I can only imagine how much worse it is when the health issue is life threatening. I'm told my body is communicating something to me, and that I need to pay attention. Was this my fault in some way? This seems to have come out of nowhere, a response to some invisible change in my environment. Or worse, it may be a reaction to something that I've been in contact with for years that my body has suddenly decided it cannot tolerate.  

I am left to depend on a doctor who I will have just met who will spend an hour pricking me with needles and coating my body with substances to purposefully cause more hives (this time on my back, one of the few areas that currently doesn't already have them). This should magically tell me that I'm allergic to shellfish or mushrooms or my cat, instead of telling me (what I am afraid will happen) that I am allergic to absolutely every solution that touched me including the doctor's rubber gloves and the paper gown that I wore while getting the test done.

I will warn you now that I am a very physical person; I'm not going to do well in my own personal bubble!